~ the struggle within ~

well sounds like a movie title right?
but that's happening to me... i am struggling within me a few days back... it didn't just happen but i sorta felt it a couple of weeks back...
i lost the battle when it overwhelmed me when i am emotionally and physically at my weakest point. i wouldn't say my spiritual level is weak but spiritually, because of some matters or you can call it sins, i actually cannot forgive myself and don't dare to seek help from Jesus. well yes i know God is graceful and merciful but when you know God is so but you still commit the sin and later after committing the sin, you seek God's forgiveness, aren't you like abusing God's love towards you? that's what is happening to me... i am convicted of abusing God's great love...

i did not go down to my bible classes and service on sunday... not that i cannot wake up but because i feel bad... i am afraid of how people look at me... i am afraid of rejection... i am afraid to face them... this very feeling still struggle within me... so dear brothers and sisters of Christ, if you read this, please pray for me to get out of this... i still believe in God's faithfulness...

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okie today my reservist started... sian... repeating everything again... haiz... but refresher mah what can i expect? but this time round the trainer very siao on. he really check the turnout bearing (meaning the uniform and how we look) and also demand discipline from us. well guys will know lah when we go back for reservist, majority are quite relax one. i also quite relax but i do need to be discipline cause i inspector bo pian have to set example. anyway i am not really a slacker and can be quite on the ball also. haha... anyway i am not affected by it but my men will. that means i have to make sure they come back on time if not i get it. hmmm... i am not worried about it since normally my men are quite cooperative and i also quite good to them so they will not sabo me ba. hahaha...

now lunch time so i came back home. it's a 10 mins travelling time from my training ground to my house. so yeah i came back to take lunch and to bring my PT attire... need to run later but i going to tell him i sick cannot run... dun care... if he make me run, i will just report sick. not that i lazy okie? but really i cannot run. without running i coughing madly already so what more if i run? plus i still get abit of chest pain and IPPT is probably on thursday or friday. i dun want to risk it now... so yah that's the update so far.

Take care my friends and God Bless you all... in health, in your career, family, financially, emotionally and fellow brothers and sisters of Christ, spiritually. Amen